Tap here to turn on desktop notifications to get the news sent straight to you. Over the many years of working with thousands of people looking to find a committed relationship, I’ve discovered numerous red flags that dating red flags indicate future problems. Very often, when the person I’m working with has moved ahead with the relationship, one of these issues — which might not have seemed huge at the beginning — becomes a major problem leading to the demise of the relationship.
Below is a list of some of the red flags I’ve discovered. It’s a long list, but certainly not exhaustive. But, don’t expect to be able to change the person. That’s when you can get into relationship trouble. As you read this list, don’t just focus on the other person.
See if you can identify personally with any of these red flags. The person comes on strong at the beginning of the relationship, and tells you exactly what you want to hear. Narcissists can be very intense in their pursuit, and many of them have learned exactly what to say to pull you in, such as, “I’ve never felt as connected with anyone else as I feel with you,” or “You are the most amazing person I’ve ever met. I can see that no one has ever really seen you. For many narcissists, the pursuit is everything and once they have you hooked, they are either off to another pursuit, or they become more and more demanding of you.
The person becomes angry, critical or withdrawn if you say no. This is another symptom of narcissism. Narcissists need constant attention and often become very upset and punishing if you don’t give them what they want. The person becomes logical and tries to talk you out of your feelings or your experience. He or she tries to make you feel that you are wrong for your feelings or your position. This is another narcissistic trait: the belief that only his or her feelings and opinions are valid, and that differences pose a threat. The person talks on and on about himself or herself and doesn’t ask much about you, or is uninterested when you do talk about yourself.
Again, another symptom of narcissism. This person is not interested in you or your feelings. He or she just wants you to keep your attention on them. The person is an older man or woman who has never been married and has been in a series of broken relationships, or has had numerous broken marriages. People get together at their common level of woundedness — i. While this person may blame the other person for the problems, or claim that he or she has just never met the “right” person, it always takes two to create relationship problems.
Unless this person has had a good amount of therapy and personal growth since the last relationship, a series of broken relationships or marriages may indicate that he or she doesn’t know how to have a loving relationship. The person was abused as a child and has not had therapy or done sufficient inner healing work. We all bring our unhealed wounds with us into our primary relationships, often projecting our parents or other caregivers onto our partner. This can make for a very challenging relationship. The person lacks empathy and compassion. If this person cannot feel pain for your pain and joy for your joy, you will end up feeling very lonely in the relationship. The person has abandoned his or her children.
Abandoning one’s children — other than giving up a baby for adoption — may indicate lack of empathy. Sometimes there are extenuating circumstances that prevent a parent from seeing their children, or a parent might come to the painful realization that it is not in the child’s best interest to be involved with them. But, if someone does not care about their children, then they likely have a deep problem with caring about themselves or others. The person is not open to learning from relationship conflict. Without an openness to learning about themselves and you when there is conflict, there is no way to resolve conflict.